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[22.7.06] [Stevens]
THE GOOD FAIRIES OF NEW CROSS
 Visitors to New Cross in South London may be familiar with the highly visible members of the Fairies Band, who've been a local sight as long as I can recall.
Soft Skull Press will soon publish The Good Fairies of New York by South London author Martin Millar (3:AM interview here), which:
"finds two Scottish thimble fairies transported to lower Manhattan. Morag and Heather, who didn't completely fit in back in the old country, are a bit bewildered by their new surroundings, but make do as best they can. They're not entirely alone - as it turns out, New York is heavily populated by fairies, including Italian, Chinese, and black ones."
As if that wasn't enough, it comes with an introduction from Neil Gaiman, who claims the book as being:
"for every fiddler who has realised, half-way through playing an ancient Scottish air, that the Ramones' 'I Wanna Be Sedated' is what folk music is really all about, and gone straight into it. It's a book for every girl with home-dyed hair and fairy wings who can't honestly remember what happened last night."
And we're proud to run an exclusive extract below:
Heather journeyed down to the small park on Houston Street to give the matter of Dinnie's romance her best consideration.
Below her on the street, groups of young people wandered by on their way to a gig at the Knitting Factory. Studying them, Heather appreciated that they were not really the same as the young people she had been acquainted with in her small village.
Perhaps I should do a little background research before deciding on how to bring them together, she thought. I am in a strange city and I do not want to waste my time getting Dinnie to do all the wrong things. For instance, a gift of oatcakes, while guaranteed to win over a Highland fairy, may not have the same potency in New York. I will need to plan carefully.
Pleased with her astute reasoning, she fluttered into the air and headed off to do a little research.
Dinnie, unusually, never ate out. He did not like to waste time in restaurants but bought the cheapest things he could fry easily on his little cooker. He passed a quiet evening eating corned-beef hash and watching quiz show and wondered if Heather could indeed do as she promised. Although he had no intention of admitting it to Heather, he had never had a girlfriend. It did not seem possible that his first one would be the much sought-after Kerry.
In the happy aura created by Heather and Morag's presence, the two tramps on the stairs passed into deep dreams of pleasant places, places so wondrous that they did not want to come back.
"Hi, Dinnie," said Heather, performing a happy somersault on the windowsill. "I'm back. I have considered the matter and I have it well in hand."
Dinnie blushed.
"And," said Heather, bounding onto Dinnie's shoulder, "I have worked out a complete plan of action. Guaranteed to make Kerry fall in love with you."
Dinnie sneered.
"Don't sneer. I can do it. I made you play a difficult strathspey, didn't I? A next-to-impossible task, your playing being what it was. Well, I can get you Kerry."
Heather hopped right onto Dinnie's head, which he particularly hated, and peered down over his forehead.
"Now do not think, Dinnie, that I am underestimating the problem. I am well aware that the chances of you capturing Kerry's heart would seem extremely slim. Possibly nonexistent. She is, after all, a highly desirable young lady with practically everything going for her, while you are a fat lump without any notably attractive features."
"Thanks a lot," muttered Dinnie.
"Also, do not think I am unaware of the social mores of New York. I am. I know that a gift of oatcakes is not going to have the profound effect here that it might among the fairies of my village. I had one of my most pleasant ever experiences after taking a fellow fairy four oatcakes and a jar of honey. Three weeks of uninterrupted sex and debauchery in a quiet cave. Wonderful. However, things are different here. Kerry is a young rock and roller and we have to act accordingly."
She leapt down onto the table, red and gold hair streaming, face beaming.
"And how do I know all this?" she demanded. "I'll tell you how I know all this. I have spent all afternoon spying on Kerry and her dumb friend Morag, and all evening in the hip cafes of Avenue A listening to the fashionable young people and reading rock and roll magazines. I know what she likes and I know how to make you into it. All that is required is for you to do as I say."
Dinnie remained silent. He was unwilling to believe it. Heather exchanged a few words of gossip with a cockroach that was scuttling its way past the cooker, picking up scraps. The cooker, uncleaned for years and utterly filthy, was a fertile hunting ground.
"So, Dinnie, here is the bargain. I promise to make Kerry fall in love with you. In return you give me the MacPherson Fiddle. Do you agree?"
Dinnie agreed, even when Heather further informed him that from now on he must do precisely as she instructed, or she would regard the bargain as broken and depart with the fiddle.
"Anyone breaking a bargain with a fairy renders themselves liable to almost anything."
The fairy peered out the window.
"Oh, no," she cried. "I can't believe it. Two more tramps have died on the steps."
Dinnie did not react.
"Do something, Dinnie."
"What?"
"Phone up whoever you phone up in New York when someone dies. I hate the way they just lie there."
Dinnie grunted that it was fine with him if they lay there all year.
"Dinnie. Listen well. From what I have seen of Kerry, apart from being a friend to the accursed MacPherson, she is a kind, warm human being. No doubt she will like men who are also kind, warm human beings. It therefore follow that you are going to become a kind, warm human being. Failing that, you are going to pretend to be one. So get on the phone."
Dinnie did as he was told.
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